Today I am taking time to reflect and in doing so find myself realising how far a I have come and how far I still have to travel. I know reflection is meant to be more on what we have learned in the ICT and pedagogy course itself. However today I am going beyond this course as I find myself questioning can I do this? Can I make it through this semester never lone this degree. As dramatic as that may sound I feel not many people understand these overwhelming feelings unless they are in the same situation. I have a young family who I feel miss out on quality time with me because I am chained to this laptop. Running a household, getting kids to extra curricular events, helping to run the farm, volunteering for organisations (schools, girl guides etc.) are just a few things that consume my time.
Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining, what I am saying is 99.9% of the time it is difficult. I have spoken to many fellow students who also suffer from sleep deprivation, content overload and the sense of guilt for feeling family demands are not being met. Through this roller coaster ride called ‘obtaining a degree’ I have encountered many emotions. From worrying if I am smart enough to do it, determination and self doubt when completing assignments, relief and a sense of pride when they are submitted, back to self doubt if results are bad, elation if they are good. This is a repeated cycle at the beginning of every new semester.
Do I think I can? Most of the time yes but there are times when I question if I can. What if I do not make it to that lecture? What if I do not get this assignment finished on time? What if at the end of this I am a terrible teacher? Like most teachers and teachers in training I am particular in what and how I do things. I would not be satisfied with handing in an assignment that I have not given 110%. So far this semester I have submitted four assignments three of which were due on the same day. The idea of completing and submitting three assignments on the same day had me questioning, could I do it? Now I find myself saying yes I could.
You may be wondering is there something Leesa is questioning herself about now. The answer is yes I have five more assignments to complete as well as practical placement all of which are required around the same date. So once again I am having a lot of self doubt moments and wondering can I do this?. To be honest I have no idea but I will give it my best shot. I can see a very very faint light at the end of the tunnel and feel like the little blue train…..I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I hope that by sharing this blog anyone who may also experiencing these emotions knows they are not alone. Remember…
And take the time to reflect. Looking at how far you have come can be an inspiration to go further 🙂